This is the telling of events after my break up with my girlfriend of a year. We went from bestfriends to strangers pretty fast. She just fell out of love with me and walked out when I needed her most, which is alright. What happened afterwards though? Well, that's for you to read.
I'm writing not so you understand; I'm writing so you cannot misunderstand
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” – Anne Lamott
I will be upfront and tell you that what you are about to read is my bias opinion of the events that have shaped my life for the better. You will either agree with me or you won’t, that is not the objective of what I’m writing. I am writing this because I am hurt and I’ve found that the best way to use the pain, is to write about what hurts. Despite feeling much better about the events that have lead me to writing this, it does not mean that the pain has gone away. If you’re wondering if I’m writing about you, well the truth is, I am.
The Break Up:
At first it seemed to come out of nowhere, which it didn’t, but I believed it did. You told me that you just “weren’t in love with me anymore.” It felt that you just gave up on me, and you used my words against me. I told you that it was like you didn’t try sometimes, and you kept using that against me, which was unfair. It was a messed up move to use, but it felt more like excuses than anything. The day after you broke up with me, you said that we could possibly salvage the situation. What you said to me was, “maybe it’s just the distance,” when in truth you already made your decision and you led me on. You were misleading, but at this time, you had my heart in the palm of your hand.
Once I got there, I didn’t let the fact that things had changed affect me. In my head, you were willing to work things out but you didn’t want to do that whatsoever. I looked like an idiot and I’ll fully admit that. I take full responsibility for all the nice things I said to you and I believed that you deserved it, was I in for a rude awakening later. We did get some closure, even went on a sort of date but not really. You did think too highly of yourself when you made me promise to not kill myself though, I wasn’t going to die because YOU broke up with me.
Despite that we did talk things out pretty well. When you cried, I got to brush the tears out of your eyes and tell you it was okay. I kissed your forehead so that you would feel better, did everything to comfort you like I used to when I was around. We even kissed and cuddled for the last time. Best sleep I got by the way but you didn’t deserve me being such a good guy till the very end. Maybe you thought you were letting me down easy but you were being shady but I still trusted you. I trusted you even though you said that you had a hard time trusting people now, even me. Which is bullshit because I never did anything to not deserve your trust. When you dropped me off at the airport and hugged me, it almost felt genuine. I even thought that there was a sign that “there was still love in your eyes.” I figured out that it was just you feeling bad for yourself.
Before I Left For Prom:
I can’t be any more vocal about how my going to prom was for me, I could care less if I saw you or not. You told me that I should have at least told you I was thinking of going. First things first, what I do with my life is none of your business and I don’t/didn’t have to tell you a damn thing. Luckily for you, and you truly are fortunate I cared about your feelings and that I didn’t say something mean like that. In all honesty, I would have said worse if I could have. You complained to your friends about me, which I guess you did while I was away also, but I have more to say about that later. We spoke for a little bit and you really did think too highly of yourself and especially to say what you did to me.
“I don’t care if you go to prom or not. Just know I won’t/can’t spend time with you.”
It actually made me chuckle when you said that, I couldn’t believe that you had the audacity to say that to me. I never asked to spend time with you prior to this, I didn’t even HINT at it. Another example on how I figured out that you didn’t think highly of me.
Day Before Prom:
I got to the state where I used to live. Yeah you lived there, but just because I was in the state didn’t mean I was actively seeking you out. Actually, I was trying my best to not see you. I found out though, that there were things being said about me behind my back. Who said these things about me you ask? Well would it surprise you if I told you that it was your closest friend and that her own mom was talking bad about me also? No, probably wouldn’t surprise you at all.
Even if you didn’t know, which you probably did, it told me that you most likely didn’t defend me. While on my end, I defended your position to my own parents. Even when my own friends said you weren’t worth my time. In hindsight, you were worth my time up to a point. Up to the point when you told people about the things that I confided in you. Which caused me to question what else did you go off telling people? At this point, you lost my trust completely, and that is what hurt the most. I was once so certain I could put all my trust in you, I never doubted you, till now.
That someone I love would knowingly do things that would cause me to distrust them. Especially after all the bullshit you spewed about trust and me not withholding things from you. You were turning out to be a pretty lousy person. Still just the tip of the iceberg.
I was anxious from the moment the day came, my mind was all over the place. Even after my nice drive that morning, my anxiety was eating away at me. I got dressed and I looked great, I felt even better. I get to prom giddy as can be, looking for familiar faces. What I found, can never be unseen and it sucked to have seen it. I saw you grinding on the guy that people were accusing you of cheating on me with, which is kind of hilarious. I didn’t go to prom for you, not at all. I went to dance, to see people I cared about, and dance with my bestfriend’s little sister. She wanted me to dance with her because she knew people would be dancing like you. Once I saw you, I realized that there could be a much deeper pain to be experienced. Oh the lord knows I experienced it. As if someone were to rip open stitches over my heart with their bare hands and stick a hot rod into it. That night I didn’t sleep, and I’ll admit I did cry but only because I was naïve. That would be the last time I shed a tear over you, you entered into a different realm in my thoughts. Honey trust me when I tell you, you seriously didn’t want to be there.
That next day I texted our coach, you know who. The one who knew me longer and likes me more. I told her that I felt that you lied to me when we were together and I felt cheated on. I’ve been cheated on before, you remember, I told you about it. I told you about how the entire time I was with my ex, everyone would tell me that she was cheating on me. I told you that it hurt not to know who was right and who was wrong, and that ultimately the faith I had in her was stained and ruined. It’s funny because the same thing happened with you, not saying you did cheat on me, it’s just ironic. Anyway, she said that you weren’t a liar or a cheater, despite the evidence suggesting so. She also said that I had no right to judge because we weren’t together and that sometimes “friends” do grind. I took in what she said and I decided to drive somewhere that you have never been and that you’ll never go.
I drove far, thinking the whole way, processing the feelings I was having. In all honesty, I drove hoping that something bad would happen to me and that I would be hurt. Mainly so I could feel pain that you could not take credit for, because you seem to enjoy doing that. I didn’t know where I was going exactly but sometimes you find yourself when you’re lost.
I figured that I didn’t actually have a reason to stay with you and only that I “wanted” to. I wanted to go back to the times where I would brush your hair out of your face to kiss you. I wanted go back to how I used to kiss you like I’ve always dreamt of kissing someone. How I acted like every time I kissed you would be my last, and we would kiss passionately. I wanted to be able to talk to someone about all my dorky or sad thoughts. I wanted to hear about how your day was, even if it was good or bad. I wanted to care for you again, like all the times you got sick and I did my best to make you feel better. I wanted to share memories with you still, and go on adventures with you. I wanted to cuddle with someone whose body felt like it fit perfectly with mine. I wanted to go back to believing in someone other than myself, and seeing how you were achieving so much and how proud I was of you. I wanted to introduce you to the people who mean the most to me, you know who I’m talking about. I wanted all these things but there was one question that I finally asked myself. Why would I want to be with someone that I could not trust?
Someone who would only listen to a “friend” that believed I was “no good for you.” I couldn’t love you anymore and maybe it’s harsh or maybe I’m lying to myself. There’s only one thing I know for sure, I don’t remember why I fell in love with you. The person I fell in love with was long gone and I wasn’t going to settle for the downgrade. I deserve a thousand times better than the downgrade. I let you into my crazy life thinking you would understand. Like I said, I was naïve for thinking so.
The next day I went out alone by myself to a place that we did share a memory. A memory of when my family invited you to come to the beach with us. Where I held you close in the water, and it was as if it was just you and I all alone. I pretended to throw you into the water but I just held you tight and close to me. I carried you while we were in the ocean and we looked into each other’s eyes for a good while, we figured there was no better place to be than being there together. It was in those moments that I felt I had to tell you something important. When we left the beach and went to go eat at Mainely Lobster, I did something I did not think I had the nerve to do. I looked into your beautiful blue eyes and told you that I loved you. I gave my ring to you so that despite me being far away on my vacation, you would have a piece of me in case something happened to me. You made me promise to come back to you. We went to eat seafood and we would take a picture that would be your screensaver for a while. On the ride home, you slept on my lap while I brushed the hair out of your face, do you remember that? Did you remember all that when you decided that you just got used to me not being around?
I enjoyed every moment of you not being there to share it with me this time. I was given my life again. Where I enjoy asking abstract questions, and questioning whether or not things should be this way or that. Where I was not complacent with the present and I did not have to share my future with someone undeserving. Whether you or I like it or not, that’s the ugly truth. I did everything right, but you only focused on all the things I did wrong.
You’re now my past, I wished you to be my present, but I won’t invite you to be my future.
I will be mature though and recognize that you did just move on without me. I believe that it couldn’t have been easy and it was just something out of your control. These are the things I wish to believe, despite me not trusting you. I won’t make you out to be a totally bad person, there’s good in you, I’ve seen it. It’s just how life turned out.
I realized during prom that more people cared about me than I thought. The only people who didn’t care were your friends, maybe even you. In total I only “lost” two people. If you didn’t care, that makes three. I can live with that though, people see me for who I really am. I showed you the deeper parts of me and you let others in, for that, I will never forgive you.
You told me that you still wanted me in your life as a friend, but know that I will have my guard up even more than when we first met. My trust in you is shaken, if not gone, and you will have to work to gain it back. Whether or not you feel that you truly want to work for it is up to you, but it will not come easily. My memories of you will always be in a special place for me but my eyes are open to the truth now. Maybe I’ll continue loving you but I do so because it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Do not mistake this for being in love with you still. You have lost that privilege.
I will continue on with my life and so will you. What you do now is none of my business and I couldn’t care less what you choose to do. I used to love you with a fiery passion, I wished to carry all your pain and stress on my shoulders, even after you gave up on me. A small sliver of me will care if you are alive, but only alive. Your pain and happiness mean little to me now. These are the brutal truths that I’ve come to terms with through these past few weeks. I didn’t write this so you could understand me; I wrote it so you can’t misunderstand me. Good thing you decided to break the heart of someone who can adequately express their thoughts and emotions through writing.