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Dancing in the leaves of Autumn


We used to eat from the earth without caution and dance in the leaves of autumn, unashamed, bold and truly happy.


We used to eat from the earth without caution and dance in the leaves of autumn, unashamed, bold and truly happy.

We would smile at each other and kiss, because there were no words. Because we did not need words.

It was a life that was as close to perfect as anyone could wish for, but something was wrong. When you smiled at me, it started to look crooked and worn.

When you held me in your arm, I did not feel the warmth of your love anymore, but coldness of your desire.

We still ate from the earth without caution, but we felt reckless doing so. We still danced in the leaves of autumn, but we felt ashamed, insignificant and lonely doing so.

It felt as though there was something wrong.

The sun did not seem to shine as bright and the moon looked smaller. There wasn't as many stars in the night sky and the world seemed less exciting.

I would walk to the edges and stare up at the high walls and wonder what was on the other side.

I would walk to the middle and stare at the orchard and wonder when the apples would be ripe, but it seemed that I never came at the right time, because every apple I picked was small and juiceless or rotten right through.

When you found me in the orchard staring at the trees, you became angry. You thought that I cared more for the fruit than I did for you.

When we ate from the earth, we began to do so cautiously, afraid of eating something that would poison us and allow us to die. We no longer danced in the leaves of autumn; we felt it was a silly and shameful thing to do.

I spent my time by the wall or in the orchard. I avoid you, because every time I saw you I felt a pain somewhere in my heart and I did not understand why.

Until one day I found an apple that was ripe. I ran to you with the apple in my hand and we ate together.

We began to eat from the earth without caution and dance in the leaves of autumn, unashamed, bold and once again happy.

We laughed and sung with the bird. Allowing the happiness to fill us up until we could feel nothing else.

But the joy was fleeting. Soon we were shown to the gates and told to leave.

I wanted to go and see what was out there, but you were cautious and unwilling to leave. You liked it here and wanted to stay, but in my selfishness I pulled you out the gates and into the world beyond.

But once out we changed. Although when together we loved each other, when apart we became anxious and jealous. We would cause each other pain with secrets and lies.

You became mean and hurtful about the way I did things. And I became cruel and conniving about your flaws. We nitpicked every detail of our lives and found that we did not like them anymore. That there wasn't enough.

We wanted more.

We strived to get more.

We were no longer ourselves.

We worked the earth to give us what we wanted without a thought to the repercussions. We slaughtered the animals that got in our way and ate their carcasses, as we saw fit.

We burned down forests to create open land for ourselves and sucked dry the lake, so that we would always have enough to drink.

Because nothing else mattered, but what we wanted and when finally our desires conflicted with each other, we turned on each other and spilled each other’s blood, but we walked away.

There was no more joy, no more love and no more pureness in our heart. We had found out what life could give us and we wanted more.

We wanted the world to carry our burden for us and give us life.

We wanted to rule over everything and hold the universe in the palm of our hand.

Because we did not eat from the earth without caution and we did not dance in the leaves of autumn. We inspected the food we ate and cleared away the leaves when they fell, because gold and diamonds were more beautiful than autumn leaves.

We had found out how far we could push each other, but we still pushed for more. Because our best wasn't enough, we had to be perfection.

I can hardly remember the days we used to eat from the earth without caution and dance in the leaves of autumn, unashamed, bold and happy. Those memories seem like a distant dream to me, as I sit on my pile of treasure and think of the day you may come to take it from me. I am still surrounded by a wall as we were back then, but this wall if different. I fear what is on the other side of it. I do not wonder what it is like out there, because I have stripped it bare in the search for perfection. But I still want more

I have seen the world and heard everything there is to hear. I have tasted every taste and smelt every smell, but still I want more and from inside my walls, I will continue to search for perfect and that little bit more.

I do not think of you as I once did. You are no longer the one that would stand by my side through anything. You are now the enemy.

Even though sometime I look over the wall at the foods of the earth and think of eating them without caution and watch the trees shed their leaves in autumn and think of going and out and dancing in them, unashamed, bold and happy. But I stay inside. Because;

I am not Unashamed.

I am not Bold.

I am not Happy.

And I hate Autumn