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Two Friends


                                                            TWO FRIENDS

Two tramps, Harry and Bert, are sitting on a park bench drinking alcohol.
HARRY #1:  Is intelligent and ambitious, for some reason, and believes the class system will keep him where he is.
BERT #2:  Is more working class and content with his lot.

HARRY #1:   What we need is qualifications.
BERT #2:   Don't be stupid Harry we're tramps.
HARRY #1:   No, we still need to push on and improve ourselves.
BERT #2:   Improve what? 
HARRY #1:   Improve our position.
BERT #2:   Find another bench then.
HARRY #1:  Our standing, our place in the social order, we're not making it.
BERT #2:   Which private school did you go to Harry?
HARRY #1:   I would have done, if father had money, it's obvious I'm that sort.
BERT # 2:   You're a right sort all right but you're not the sort that gets on in life, you're council house and Co-op the same as me. We're here in the sunshine and not grafting in some dingy factory. This is life, our life.
HARRY #1:   But we've failed.
BERT #2:   Another beer?
HARRY #1:  Chardonnay
BERT #2:  You what?
HARRY #1: That's what we should be drinking.
BERT #2:  Diet?
HARRY #1:  You bloody Philistine, how do you get diet chardonnay.
BERT # 2:  Cans, I suppose.
HARRY #1:  Oh God, oh God, I could have been so much more than this. Pooing in public toilets, dirty filthy fingernails, I hate it all, I hate it you hear.
BERT #2:  I hear you Harry. You need one of them life coaches, they'll sort you out.
HARRY #1:  I'm not happy.
BERT  #2:  Uuuh?
HARRY #1:  How do you do it?
BERT #2:  Do what?
HARRY #1:  Stay so happy with nothing.
BERT #2:  With nothing? I have my bench, I have my beer, I have the ass that I was born with. I have no shit telling me to come back from tea break and crack on with some God-forsaken mindless crap for peanuts. I'm better off.
HARRY #1:  Better off?
BERT # 2:  Better off
HARRY #1: When was the last time you had crab?
BERT #2:  Most days, why?
HARRY #1:  Crab, crab the bloody food not crabs you moron.
BERT #2:  Who needs them.
HARRY #1: You eat them, on a plate, a plate, remember them?
BERT #2:  I do, used to wash them for a meal. That was a good job.
HARRY #1:  'Péritifs and quiche-lorraine, that's what the better classes eat.
BERT #2:  We eat.
HARRY #1:  Well what are we eating tonight? Did you book the table or was it my turn? It's the hostel for us and a bit of stew and crusty followed by a night of unforgiving bed springs. As for the noise, if they gave half the inmates boxing gloves to wear there'd be less of that.
BERT #2:  Boxing gloves?
HARRY #1:  Forget it, yes ... forget about women as well.
BERT #2:  Sharon might be along soon, she's got class. I like her.
HARRY #1:  Tights pants tights pants, she's like a bloody sandwich course, and that is a qualification.
BERT #2:  Sandwiches?
HARRY #1:  It's the way you do it, the course, bit of study bit of work. They call it a sandwich course.
BERT #2:  Anyway, half the fun is getting there so they say.
HARRY #1:  Except when you get there you want to turn around and head back. You know where she's been?
BERT #2:  No
HARRY #1:  Same sex, she's experimented, Kelly told me.
BERT #2:  Don't be daft they can't do anything. Anyway I've snogged her and she likes it, calls me "my love" and all. She said she itched for me.
HARRY #1:  I'm not surprised. Why didn't you marry her then, years ago, you've known her ages?
BERT #2:  Who knows. I suppose she isn't my type.
HARRY #1:  She probably doesn't want to marry a tramp. Have you ever heard of people like us marrying, no. It all comes back to qualifications and your lack of them. What did you do at school? You loitered at the back of class and thought you could rely on wits to survive. Well, if you're not born upper middle you're climbing a steep hill, your family'll have no contacts. Dad knew no one.
BERT #2: You take it too serious Harry, just let life flow, it's going to end anyway. Be content with this, it could be a lot worse.
HARRY #1:  How?
BERT #2:  We could be down the archway in the pouring rain, like yesterday.
HARRY #1:  Singing?
BERT #2:  Hah, hah, you're  a funny one for me Harry. How can you be so serious about life and then switch to 'aving a laugh?
HARRY#1:  Let's start the last bottle.
BERT #2:  That'll be it for the day then, there's no more left.
HARRY #1:  That's all I'll need Bert, that'll be enough, enough for my courage.
BERT #2:  Look around  at the grass, the trees, it's sunny, why the problem in your mind? Tomorrow we can go down by the railway cutting, there's always good stuff thrown there by the motorists.
HARRY #1:  Half eaten cheese and ham with seagull damage and half full condoms. What are we but scavengers? Shit, that's what we are, shit without qualifications. It goes on and on, what do we do today and what tomorrow. We're aimless and hopeless that's what we are, finished.  I can't see a way out now, I thought I could but I can't. I'm right aren't I? 
BERT #2:  You are Harry. It's no good for me either.