The worlds biggest conspiracy uncovered
The Only Chapter
One upon a time in a land nearby called Worplesdon there lived a physicist. He had large golf ball eyes amplified by bottle bottom glasses. He was unequivocally a nerd, comic book posters adorned his walls while the comics themselves adorned his floors. He was of a nervous disposition which made his tall skeletal frame shake like a leaf in a winter storm, about to detach from that which held him steady. The only time he stopped shaking was when he was working. Physics calmed him, people were unpredictable but the universe was not, he was currently working on a way to predict chaos theory. His name is J. J. Coupling.
The house was not truly in Worplesdon, it was bounded by five fields whose boundaries radiated out from the house like spokes on a wheel. The house was large, a bequeathment from long dead parents. Its exterior was well kempt for J. J. found he liked the peace of the outdoors. The roof was thatch and the walls plaster. Inside it was divided into a maze by walls and piles of comics.
Currently J. J. was sat in a chair in front of the fire reading Charlotte’s Web. In a nearby hamster wheel a micro pig ran around and around. His name is Keith. As the resin in a burning log cracked its last the house exploded. This had nothing to do with the fire but the comics in the attic which had reached their critical mass causing a spontaneous combustion accelerated but the incredibly inflammable house.
As dust and ash settled a small grey pig, who had once been pink, ran from the embers. Keith ran from the flame, snarling at a fox which recoiled. Keith headed for London, going there to find his fortune. In this he succeeded as five of Mrs Anatoll’s Organic Pork Sausages which went for £6.50 a pound.
As a result of these sausages Mr B. Randall of Kensington suffered a bout of minor dysentery causing his to miss work on the 28th of April 2017. And thus his absence brings us to his place of work and the main character of this story.
Our main character is 5’ 3”, ash blonde, wears glasses, is of a sassy nature and has an unnatural attachment to boots. She was bent over a work bench [deal with it] at a lab in central London working on the Zeus Collider project, a new particle accelerator bellow London built in mostly existing tunnels. She is scrawling a formula on a piece of paper which she is about to enter into a computer. Normally this would be Mr B. Randall’s job but we all know where he is. And so our main character, whose name incidentally is Nat, is about to make a fatal mistake.
This mistake was only noticed three weeks later when the insignificant green button was pressed on the first test of the Zeus Collider causing the world to explode. Nat’s only mistake: she entered the formula wrong, she missed one minus sign. Such a shame, she had quite a promising career.
Looking on in a metallic pink spaceship, dodging chunks of rock, which looked quite a lot like a pig sty were two small pink pigs.
“The arseholes blew up our breeding planet.” One said
“Bastards.” Replied the other.
Or is it…
Yeah it is, almost time to go
Not yet. The pigs will take over the universe now.
They already have, the vegetarians have it right
They will turn us all into pig slaves.
You nicked that from a Doctor Who episode
Yeah, but uglier uglier.